The key to solving this country's mental illness issues is not in the government. We must cure ourselves.

It is time this country decided to do something about the mentally ill. For way too long have we let the deranged, schizo, and plain crazy folks just wallow in their illnesses. I, for one, am here to do something about it and you should too. That’s right. You should do something about it. Not the government – that is not their responsibility. Each and every one of us must cure ourselves from the psychological ailments that plague us. And I, one of the most prominent insane people I know, am here to teach you how.

Today I’d like to deal with a disorder that plagues many, if not most of the population. Do you wake up every morning upset at the alarm clock for going off? Do you not, for anything in the world, want to get out of bed in the morning? Are you the same person who sets this alarm clock every night? Do you also not go to go to bed at a reasonable hour each evening? If you answered yes to four or more of these questions, I am afraid you suffer from severe Split Personality Disorder. Now before you freak out and go crazy (oh wait, never mind – you have already done that, right?), let me explain several methods of curing this disorder.

The first method, one that I have never attempted to try, is the absolute physical elimination of one or more of your personalities. First, you must decide which one you want to keep. Do you want the “stay up” character, or do you want the “stay in bed” guy? Make your decision and wait until you are possessed by the personality you do not like, and just kill yourself. It doesn’t matter how – any way is fine. This way, you will have successfully eliminated the negative persona. However, this is not a mainstream method, nor is it recognized by those who claim to be professionals. If you decide to try this method, please do let me know how it worked out.

If you are not a fierce advocate of euthanasia, you may want to try a different method. One of my favorite remedies is what we loonies like to refer to as the “temporary alleviation method”. Although (as its name suggests) it is not a permanent solution, it is probably the most common treatment, as it is satisfying both physically and mentally. This technique is very similar to the anti-depressant system, but it is prescription-free. All you need is beer. Whenever you are not in the right mindset, just have a beer or two. For example, if it is late but you don’t feel like going to bed, just start drinking beer until you are asleep. It’s that simple.

Of course, sometimes you may want a permanent solution that also does not involve suicide. These are the most difficult solutions. They involve training yourself mentally to feel differently. You must make yourself realize that there is no problem, you are not crazy, and there is nothing you need to deal with. You do not need mental help. Psychology is just a moneymaking scheme. As long as you believe you are normal and happy, it is true. Of course, if you disagree with me, then you owe me $1500 for this session.

About the Author

Aaron currently works as a software/web developer and writes in his free time. He also runs a growing web-based discussion forum at http://www.chitchatforums.com. His personal work is on display at http://www.spetnik.com.