Codependency or Cocommitment part 2

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Friday, 25 July 2008

By:Robert Elias Najemy

The Difference Between the Motive, Effort and Result

We suggest that you read the previous part of this series.

We need to make an important distinction here between our good will and making an effort to help someone, or accepting their effort to help us, and accepting responsibility for each other’s reality.

We all obviously are together to help and support each other on all levels. This is what relationships are all about.

We cannot, however, create the others’ health, happiness, success or satisfaction. Only they can create or allow for their well being, and only we can create or allow for ours.

Thus, when returning to others the responsibility for their lives, we do not cease helping them, but instead serve them in any way we can while simultaneously allowing them to discover the power and wisdom within themselves.

This step, of course, will need to be made with discrimination. If someone is seriously ill or incapable, we obviously cannot leave him or her helpless. We will serve others in every possible way, doing for them whatever they cannot do for themselves, but we will not be responsible for the result.

Neither will we be responsible for their satisfaction.

Also, our self-worth cannot be increased or decreased by others’ behavior. We are who we are independently of how others behave or what they think.

We have the inner power and wisdom to create exactly the reality we need in order to proceed in our spiritual development. If that means we occasionally will not have support from others, then it is not by chance. It is an opportunity for even greater growth.

Making the Change

Choose a change that you want to make. Two possibilities would be:

1. Ceasing to depend on someone for your feelings of self-worth, security or happiness.

or perhaps

2. Ceasing to feel responsible for the other’s reality. (The more specific the better i.e. the other’s health, happiness, satisfaction, success etc.)

Now having chosen your issue, discover the emotions, which you have about making this change. Some examples below might help.

1. When seeking to be less dependent we might feel fear:
a. That the others may not love us or pay attention to us if we are not dependent on them.
b. That this change would be misinterpreted as indifference or lack of love.
c. That the others would feel hurt.
d. That they would criticize us for not caring or not loving.
e. That the others will be angry.
f. That we will not know what to do if we were not occupied with this problem.
g. That we could not make it without the other’s support in this matter.
h. Other? ____________________________

2. When working on getting free from feeling responsible for the others’ reality. (Health, happiness, satisfaction, success etc.) we might feel fear:
a. That it would be misinterpreted as indifference or lack of love.
b. That the others would feel hurt.
c. That they would criticize us for not caring or not loving.
d. That the others would not be able to manage without us.
e. That the others will be angry.
f. That we would not know what to do if we were not occupied with their needs and problems.
g. We would not be good persons (mothers, fathers, children, siblings, friends).
h. That something bad might happen to the others.
g. Other? ____________________________

Communicating with our Loved Ones Concerning these Realizations and Changes.

Attempting to communicate our new stance is an excellent way to check if there are any remaining obstructing emotions. The forms below are guides for explaining to others how we feel, what we believe and what we would like to do. After filling them out, they can be practiced on someone in a psychodrama as we imagine we are speaking to the person concerned. If we do not have anyone to read this to, then we can place a picture of the person and read it to that.

Such messages can also be written to possessions, to society as a whole or to anything to whom, or on which, we are dependent for our feelings of self-worth or security.

These forms are to guide and help us, not to limit us, so feel free to change the wording to suit your needs.

Communicating About Giving Back to Others the responsibility for their ______

My dearest ____________________________

I am writing to you now because I have discovered something very important that affects both of us and our relationship. I have discovered that I have been feeling responsible for your (happiness, well being, safety, success, satisfaction, etc.) _________________
I now realize that my feeling responsible for your _____and_____and____and ____ has the following negative results for me:
_________________________________________

I also believe that it has the following negative results effect on you and our relationship:
_________________________________________

I thus believe that, for the following reasons, it will be much better for me to give you back the responsibility for your ______________ and ___________ and ______________________.

I want to tell you that I do love you and that you must not misinterpret this communication to mean anything other than what I am saying.
Also, I need to tell you that I have some (many) _________(fears, conflicts, reservations, resistances, doubts) about this change. They are the following:
_________________________________________

For this reason, I will need your help with this change. You could help me in the following ways: _____________________________________

Now it is very important for me to hear how you feel about what I have said and the changes I would like us to make. ___________

Communicating about becoming less dependent on the other for _____

My dearest _____________________________

I am writing to you now because I have discovered something very important that affects both of us and our relationship. I have discovered that I have been feeling dependent on you for my feelings of ______ (self-worth, happiness, well being, safety, success, satisfaction) _________________
I now realize that my being dependent on you for my ___and_____and______ has the following negative results for me:
_________________________________________

I also believe that it has the following negative effect on you and our relationship:
_________________________________________

I thus believe that for the following reasons, it will be much better for me to take total responsibility for my ______________ and ___________ and _______.
_________________________________________

I want to tell you that I do love you and that you must not misinterpret this communication to mean anything other than what I am saying. Also, I would like to share with you that I have some (many) _________(fears, conflicts, reservations, resistances, doubts) about this change. They are the following:
_________________________________________

For this reason, I will need your help with this change. You could help me in the following ways:
_________________________________________

Now it is very important for me to hear how you feel about what I have said and the changes I would like us to make.
________________________________________

Supplementary Techniques

1. Affirmations written, verbal or mentally repeated in deep relaxation can help us in transforming these false beliefs. Some affirmations that might be useful:
a. Each of us is totally responsible for our own reality, for our own safety, happiness, health, success, satisfaction, etc.
b. Each of us is capable, and has all the inner guidance required to manage our lives properly.
c. I want the others to be well, happy, successful, satisfied without feeling responsible for them.
d. My self-worth is independent of the reality others create for themselves.
e. I want the others to be well, happy, successful, satisfied without feeling that I cannot (or should not) feel happy if they are not.
f. I do not help others by being unhappy or by limiting my happiness when they are not well.
g. I am divine creation and my self-worth is totally independent of whether others are satisfied with me or not.
h. My self-worth is independent of the results of my efforts.
i. I am totally capable of creating my own security, success, health, enjoyment, social acceptance, professional success, and spiritual evolution.

2. We can communicate with others and express our real feelings and needs in such situations. We would benefit from learning to make I-messages, which express what we need, feel and believe without blaming the others or making them defensive.

3. We can study the various spiritual truths that liberate us from these false thought-forms and help us develop love with discrimination. We can develop love for the soul, seeing the personality as the soul’s vehicle. Thus, we are interested in facilitating the soul’s growth rather than the personality’s comfort.

An Extremely Important Note:

Because these false concepts of responsibility are very deeply ingrained in our social subconscious, some may at first misunderstand our intentions and feelings. We have so identified love with attachment and dependency that it is often difficult at first for some of us to see love in independence. Thus, it is especially important for you to frequently reiterate that you love and care for this person and also to show this with your actions.

You will also need to be patient with possible negative reactions. Do not lose your peace and love in the face of possible reactions. (Employ EFT when your own negative emotions arise.) Be patient and explain over and over again in a calm voice, without giving in and retreating into the past programmings and behaviors. Be clear and calm about this gradual process which is much like a painful surgical operation for both of you in which deep false beliefs are being removed.

Also we want to avoid using these concepts as an excuse to ignore actual responsibilities that we may have in our family or professional life.

Article Source: http://www.dailynewarticles.com

Robert E. Najemy, author of 25 books and life coach with 30 years of experience, has trained over 300 life coaches and now does so over the Internet. Become a life coach.
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