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Margaret Paul, Ph. D. Profile and Articles
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1). Accessing Your Spiritual Guidance
For the last 35 years, I have been working with individuals, couples and families, as well as business relationships. I have 8 published books on relationships and healing, some of them best-sellers. In the first half of my career, I worked as a traditional psychotherapist, and was not happy with the results. In the last 18 years I have worked with...
2). Addiction to Perfection
The following email was sent to me by Karen, a member of our website:
“For no obvious reason this morning, I was feeling anxious and depressed. I looked at it and realized that the false belief creating all this was that I have to be perfect in order for me to allow myself to feel happiness. Yet, there are so many conditions for me to ...
3). Addiction to Self-Judgment
“I’m such a jerk. How could I have said that?”
“I’m a looser. I’ll never get anywhere.”
“I’m so stupid. I should have learned this by now.”
“I don’t fit in. I don’t belong with these people.”
“I’ll never be good enough. I’ll never do it right enough.”
“I’m permanently emotionally damaged. I’ll never be okay.”
“No...
4). Addiction to Talking
There is an old joke about people who talk a lot: “Do you know the 12-Step program for people who talk a lot? On and On Anon!”
The joke recognizes that fact that incessant talking is a common addiction.
Non-stop talking is about using others for attention and approval because of not giving oneself enough attention and appr...
5). Addiction to Thinking
Randall sought my help because he was stuck being miserable and had no idea how to get out of his misery. In his life he had experienced moments of great joy and sense of oneness with all of life, but those moments were infrequent. He wanted more of those moments but had no idea how to bring them about.
Randall is an extremely intellig...
6). Alone for the Holidays?
Being alone is a challenge for many people. This challenge may loom especially large during the holidays if you are single or newly divorced and without family around you. Holidays are a time to share love, and many people end up feeling depressed when they do not have people around with whom to share love. If you are in this situation, what can yo...
7). Are You Addicted To Your Activities?
Activities - such as sports, creative projects, reading, work, TV, meditation - can be a wonderful way to relax, express yourself, or connect to yourself. Or they can be an addiction. How can you know the difference?
* Angie would surf the channels whenever she felt stressed or alone.
* Karen would lose herself in a book w...
8). Are You Controlling or Loving Yourself?
How often do you hear a parental voice in your head that says things like, “You’ve got to lose weight,” or “You should get up earlier every morning and exercise,” or “Today I should get caught up on the bills,” or “I’ve got to get rid of this clutter.” Let’s explore what happens in response to this voice.
We have a very good reason for...
9). Are You Invisible?
Ellen was brought up to be invisible. She was taught to be very tuned into others’ feelings and needs, but to never have any of her own. Her family made it clear to her that her job was to give to them but to never expect anything in return. As a result, Ellen learned to be totally tuned out to her own feelings and needs. It was as if she, as a per...
10). Authoritarian Parenting, Permissive Parenting, or Loving Parenting
Angie was brought up by rigid, authoritarian parents who kept her on a tight leash. They rarely considered her feelings about anything, showing a complete lack of empathy and compassion for her feelings and desires. If she came home five minutes late from school or from an activity, she was punished. Yelling and hitting were their favorite forms of...
11). Beauty, Gratitude, and the Open Heart
“…beauty on your earth is a shadow of the beauty of our heaven, and it’s a bitter thing to have a blindness for beauty on earth, for it makes a longer teaching to see the beauties of heaven.” Spoken by an Irish spirit in the book The Boy who Saw True (anonymous author).
I have been counseling individuals, couples, families and business...
12). Being an Emotional Victim
None of us like to think of ourselves as victims. The term "victim" brings to mind a pathetic image of a person who is powerless. Therefore, It comes as a shock to most of us to realize how often we allow ourselves to be emotional victims. Having counseled individuals, couples, families and business partners for 35 years, I know that many of us are...
13). Can This Relationship Be Helped?
I have been counseling couples for 35 years. Quite often individuals come in for help wondering if it is really possible to save or improve their relationship. Perhaps their partner is totally uninterested in working on the relationship. Perhaps their partner is an alcoholic or drug addict. What are their chances of saving their relationship?...
14). Caretaking Parents, Entitled Kids
Demanding children – children who have entitlement issues – seem to be common these days. Like the obnoxious child, Veruca Salt in Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory, who was constantly demanding that her father get her whatever she wanted (“I want an Umpa Lumpa! Get it for me NOW!”), we hear many children today uttering the fairly constant refr...
15). Codependent Relationships: Takers and Caretakers
Takers and caretakers – they often seem to find each other! As a counselor who has worked with relationships for 37 years, I can tell you that this is the most frequent relationship dynamic that I encounter.
Takers are people who tend to be narcissistic – that is, they are self-centered with an excessive need for attention and admirati...
16). Controlling Behavior – How Do You Attempt to Control?
Controlling behavior: Behavior intended to control your own feelings, control how people feel about you and treat you, or control the outcome of things.
All of us have grown up learning many different ways to control – we had to as part of our survival.
Perhaps you grew up in a family that used anger and criticism as forms...
17). Controlling Behavior, Loving Behavior
When Zack and Tiffany started counseling with me, they were on the verge of divorce after 16 years of marriage. Neither really wanted to end the marriage, yet both were miserable. Both of them believed that their misery was because of the other person, and both could clearly articulate what the other person was doing wrong.
“Tiffany is...
18). Date Lying
A reader of my articles wrote to me about the article I wrote entitled, “Why do People Lie?” He said that he would be “very interested in a similar article with examples about all the lying that women do….At least in the initial stages of dating, women lie sooooo much.”
Well, being a woman, I’m not as aware of how much women lie on dat...
19). Discerning The Loving Heart
How often have you had the experience of connecting with someone – a friend or a potential partner – who turns out to be an uncaring person? At first you think this is a really good person, and then down the line you discover that the person is self-centered, narcissistic, angry and uncaring. You wonder how you could be so wrong, and what can you d...
20). Discovering Your Passion and Purpose
“I can’t seem to discover why I’m on the planet.”
“What is my purpose here? I know there’s something I’m supposed to be doing, but I don’t know how to find out what it is.”
“I don’t seem to be passionate about anything.”
I’ve heard these complaints over and over from my clients.
Discovering our pa...
21). Do You Experience God?
Connor, a man in his late 40’s, has achieved everything he ever thought he needed to feel happy and secure. He owns a successful business, has a wonderful wife and two children, and a beautiful home. Yet when you look at him, he doesn’t look happy. He looks empty, with no sense of vibrancy about him.
His wife, Brianna. also has everyth...
22). Do You Want Your Children to Be Like You?
There is an old saying regarding children: “Do as I say, not as I do.” Whoever coined this phrase didn’t know much about children. Children often do not “do as we say.” We are the role models regarding how our children learn to treat themselves and others. We are the role models regarding whether or not our children learn to take personal responsib...
23). Does the Fear of Rejection Control Your Life?
Jay sought my help because he wanted to get married and have children, yet the relationship of his dreams seemed to elude him. When I first met Jay, he was an attractive, creative, brilliant and successful businessman in his middle 30’s. And he had a great sense of humor. It wasn’t that women weren’t attracted to him. He had no trouble having first...
24). Does Your Life Lack Meaning?
Vera sought out counseling with me because her doctor advised her to discover the emotional causes of her chronic fatigue. Vera, a successful stockbroker, was in a loving 18-year marriage. On the surface, everything in her life was fine. She had enough money, friends, and a good relationship. Yet Vera awoke each morning battling fatigue and depress...
25). Emotional Dependency or Emotional Responsibility
Emotional dependency means getting one’s good feelings from outside oneself. It means needing to get filled from outside rather than from within. Who or what do you believe is responsible for your emotional wellbeing?
There are numerous forms of emotional dependency:
* Dependence on substances, such as food, drugs, or alco...
26). Empty Nest Syndrome
Paula’s last child had just gone off to college and Paula was struggling with a deep inner emptiness. While she knew this day was coming, she was not really prepared for the intense hollowness that welled up within. After all, she had a life of her own. Her work as an occupational therapist, which she had gone back to after all her three children w...
27). Ending Relationships Gracefully
In my counseling practice, I often hear the question, “How do I end a relationship without hurting someone’s feelings?” Whether it’s a romantic relationship or a friendship, ending it gracefully is generally a challenge.
The problem arises because so many people see it as a reflection of their worth when someone doesn’t want to be with...
28). Expressing Your Love Through Service
A client of mine told me that she had been making food for a friend of hers who was very ill. “I find that my heart opens and I feel so happy when I am doing something for someone else. I need to do this more, but I don’t know what to do.”
Doing service is a powerful way to open the heart and fulfill the soul. Those people who do servi...
29). Family Ties – When to Let Go
Ruth consulted with me because she was confused about what to do regarding her mother, her brother, and her son.
From the time Ruth was born, she never felt like she belonged in her family. Her mother ignored Ruth, obviously preferring her brother, and consistently allowed her brother to beat Ruth up. Ruth had some connection with her ...
30). Fear of Engulfment
Roger, 33, is a successful engineer. Married with one child, Roger called me because his marriage was falling apart. His wife, Laura, had recently told him that the marriage was over unless they got some help. She told him she just couldn’t take it any more.
Roger and Laura were both on the phone for their first phone session with me. ...
31). Fear of Flying
The plane was bouncing hard as we were starting our decent into Albuquerque. Living in Santa Fe, I’ve flown in and out of Albuquerque airport a lot due to my workshop schedule. It’s always bumpy.
The woman sitting next to me was gripping the armrests and shaking, scared to death. I turned to her and asked her if she would like some hel...
32). Fear of Intimacy
Emotional intimacy is one of the most wonderful experiences we ever have. Nothing else really comes close to the experience of sharing our deepest thoughts and feelings with another, of being deeply seen and known, of sharing love, passion, laughter, joy, and/or creativity. The experience of intimacy fills our souls and takes away our loneliness.
33). Fight, Flight, or Loving Action
Fight or flight - our automatic response to danger. When fear is present, adrenaline pours into our system to prepare us to fight or flee - from the tiger, the bear, the lava from the volcano….
Fight or flight - today we automatically respond this way to the present dangers, the deep fears that come up in relationships: rejection and e...
34). Food, Anxiety and Depression
In our current society, there are many factors that can cause or contribute to anxiety and depression. Certainly money and work problems, relationship and family issues, as well as illness and loss of loved ones are major contributors to anxiety and depression. Also, how we feel about ourselves and treat ourselves contribute greatly to how we feel....
35). Happiness Versus Pleasure
We are a pleasure seeking society. Most of us spend our energy seeking pleasure and avoiding pain. We hope that by doing this, we will feel happy. Yet deep, abiding happiness and joy elude so many people.
There is a huge difference between happiness and pleasure. Pleasure is a momentary feeling that comes from something external – a go...
36). Healing Anger and Violence in Our Society
I have counseled individuals, couples, families and business partners for the past 35 years and authored eight published books. All this experience has resulted in the development of a profound six-step healing process, called Inner Bonding, which anyone can learn and use throughout the day (FREE course available - see resource box).
T...
37). Healing The Abandonment Wounds
I have counseled individuals, couples, families and business partners for the past 35 years and authored eight published books. Every individual I’ve worked with has had some abandonment wound to heal, and most relationship problems stem from abandonment wounds.
It is not possible to grow up in our society without some abandonment woun...
38). Healthy Grief, Unhealthy Grief
We all know that it is in one’s highest good to grieve the loss of a relationship. Healthy grief releases feelings rather than allowing them to get stuck in the body. Healthy grief allows the griever to heal the loss and move on with life.
Yet grief is not always healing. Many of us have known people who were stuck in their grief, seem...
39). How Can I Get My Partner To Change?
How much energy do you spend trying to get what you want from your partner? Think about it for a moment - how much of your thinking time is spent on what to say to your partner to get him or her to be the way you want him or her to be?
Many of us spend a lot of time thinking about how to get what we want from our partner - how to get o...
40). How Do You Know When You Are In Love?
IMPORTANT – Publication and Reprint Terms
The following article is offered for free use in your ezine,
print publication or on your web site, so long as the author resource box at the end is included, with hyperlinks. Notification of publication would be appreciated. Please ask permission if you want to publish this article in p...
41). Managing Loneliness
My experience from 37 years of counseling individuals and couples is that most of the problems from which people suffer stem from how they handle the events of life, rather than the events themselves.
Certainly traumatic and tragic events such as loss of loved ones, financial loss, and health issues are extremely challenging. However, ...
42). Overcoming Fears of Intimacy
Sam, age 42, had never been married. It’s not that Sam had never fallen in love. But every time a relationship had started to move toward commitment, Sam ran.
When Sam’s loneliness became overwhelming to him, he called me for help.
“I want to be in a relationship, yet every time I get close to someone, I run away. I’m not ...
43). Power Struggles – Being Right or Being Loving
Mandy and Evan consulted with me for couple’s counseling because they were always bickering. Every little thing seemed to become an issue between them. They loved each other very much, but the bickering was certainly getting in the way of enjoying each other.
I ask Mandy and Evan to come up with some recent conflicts so I could experie...
44). Recovery From Addictions, Part 3
In Part 1 of this series of articles, I defined substance and process addictions, and described the four major false beliefs that underlie most addictions:
1. I can’t handle my pain.
2. I am unworthy and unlovable.
3. Others are my source of love.
4. I can have control over how others feel about me and treat me....
45). Recovery From Addictions, Part 4
In Part 1 of this series of articles, I defined substance and process addictions, and described the four major false beliefs that underlie most addictions:
1. I can’t handle my pain.
2. I am unworthy and unlovable.
3. Others are my source of love.
4. I can have control over how others feel about me and treat me....
46). Recovery From Addictions, Part 5
In Part 1 of this series of articles, I defined substance and process addictions, and described the four major false beliefs that underlie most addictions:
1. I can’t handle my pain.
2. I am unworthy and unlovable.
3. Others are my source of love.
4. I can have control over how others feel about me and treat me....
47). Recovery From Addictions: Part 1
(This is Part 1 of a 5-part series on addiction).
Just about everyone in our society is addicted to something. Addictions can take many forms:
SUBSTANCE ADDICTIONS: addiction to alcohol, recreational drugs, prescription meds, caffeine, nicotine, food, sugar, carbohydrates.
PROCESS ADDICTIONS: addiction to love...
48). Rediscovering Love and Intimacy
Wendy started counseling with me because Terence, her husband of 14 years, had just expressed to her that he wanted to end their relationship. Wendy, terrified of being alone, was panicked. Within a few minutes of speaking with her in a phone session, I understood exactly the underlying cause of their relationship problems.
Wendy, comi...
49). Relationship Deal-breakers
In the 37 years that I have been counseling couples, I have discovered that there are only a few issues that are true relationship deal-breakers. Many of the issues that tear relationships apart are not actual deal-breakers. Rather, most divorces and breakups are the result of one or both partner’s unwillingness to learn from the conflicts that exi...
50). Relationships: Giving to Get
Are you giving love to your partner for the joy of giving, or are you giving to get love?
I received the following email on this topic, asking for my help:
“Hi, my name is Adam. I am living with my parents and I’m thinking of moving out with my girlfriend Patty. But there are some things that make me feel upset, and I don’...
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