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1). Don't Talk to Me About 'Life' Some say life is like a box of chocolates, because 'you never know what you're going to get'. These people are idiots. Who the hell adopts a quote from a 'slow' movie character as their personal credo, anyway? Sure, I watched Forrest Gump. I watched Rain Man, too, but you don't see me nodding sagely and proclaiming, 'I... 2). Good News for Goofballs I've found that there's a gap in the set of self-help and how-to books available. Sure, there are books to improve your outlook, and boost your self-esteem. If you want to learn to cook, or start a business, or patent your idea for self-buttering waffles, there are books to help you. And if you happen to be a dummy -- well, there are entire shelves... 3). How I Feel About Pirates Pirates are BAD because they steal booty from other people. The only people that should get to steal booty from other people is me. Also, I should get a pet parrot. And get to say, 'Arrrrr!' whenever I want. Pirates are GOOD because when I do pretend I have a pet parrot, and I walk around saying, 'Arrrrr!... 4). Reality Shows We'll (Hopefully) Never See Just when it seems reality TV has hit rock bottom, a new and ever-more demeaning show emerges to set the bar even lower. Here are a few of the offerings that don't exist yet -- but just wait until the suits at FOX and UPN get wind of these ideas. Ambush Boobjob: In this exciting makeover extravaganza, we give... 5). The Good Old Days Are Gone I yearn for a simpler time. Life in this modern age can be frustrating and scary, what with the global warming and the bad cholesterol and the high-definition reruns of 'The Nanny'. I long for a more peaceful existence, free from the complications of the twenty-first century lifestyle. I'm ready to re-adopt a few of our long-forgotten tradit... 6). Twelve Simple Rules for Sucking Less Than 'Eight Simple Rules' America is a country of sitcom watchers. We all like a nice chuckle now and again, but unfortunately the good shows are outnumbered, outgunned, overwhelmed, and often obliterated by the bad. In an effort to stem the tide of inane, sugary pap gushing down our satellite feeds, here are a dozen ways to improve the average -- and significa... 7). Valentine's Day for Dummies Saint Valentine's Day rolls around just once a year. And if you've been married as long as I have, your chances for sex don't come much more often. 'There's always next year' is a fine mantra for a Cubs fan or a Libertarian, but not for a lover. So don't miss your amorous opportunity this time around -- heed the following Valentine's ...